So I've been thinking about sacrifices we make as parents. I still go to school to do my daughter's insulin at lunch, and sometimes at snack if there's a new person who wants to learn about it. I'm on call all day for questions from the teacher or the aids. And something came up recently that hasn't come up since I was a teenager.
A concert.
That's right, there's a boy band I like. They aren't like the boy bands from when I was a kid. They aren't from Canada or the States. They don't sing in English. With all the hype over Psy these days, I don't think me liking them is weird. What is strange is that the fact that I am not able to go to their concert is making me feel like a teenager with a strict father.
My family started planning our first ever big trip last spring. Before the tour was announced. In February we'll be flying to Barbados. I am really excited, and I know we'll have a lot of fun. However, my pocketbook does not have room for me to fly to New York- by myself- in November, and then have the whole family go to Barbados. I was okay with that at first. Then I started to meet a bunch of other women online, women who I could talk to like I haven't since high school. We talk about husbands, TV, our kids, and yes, that boy band.
And so, as I watch them all getting excited for the tickets to go on sale this Saturday, planning all of the things they are going to do when they meet up before and after the concert, I am feeling a level of envy that astonishes me. I had to stop going online. I had to stop following them. I actually cried.
The real question is, why am I so upset? And then I realized. I have been so isolated for so long, stuck up here where no one is interested in the same things as me, with no one I can really talk to, finding these ladies was like a rainbow after a hurricane. Missing out on the gathering, maybe the only one where everyone is going to get together, is like the hurricane suddenly swept down on me again. I'm feeling all the loneliness, the isolation, all over again. I hadn't realized how sad I really was until it all came back.
Today is my daughter's 9th birthday. I know I need to look happy. On the day of her birthday party, with all the family that's coming out, I will need to look chipper. Knowing that the Noonas (as we call ourselves) will be buying their tickets, planning their trips, and talking about how wonderful it's going to be. Without me. Sometimes I just wish it could be about me.
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