Finding Yourself

After spending some time at the in-laws, with all the time to myself that that entails, I have been thinking more about spirituality. And no, I don't mean "God". I mean time to feel connected. Maybe meditation. A moving meditation, as I have a hard time with the lotus pose kind. Personal power. As someone who loved physics in school, quantum mechanics fascinates me (i.e. What The Bleep Do We Know?). The fact that everything is connected, everything one (Richard Bach), and yet not really real. Matter is an illusion. In our need to anthropomorphize everything, we have given the force behind life- within the universe- a personality or a name. Rather arrogant. As though identities, something we seem to hold so dear in ourselves, could encompass something so vast. And, unfortunately, we have even tried to give it a gender. I feel like I need to express this somehow. Visually, and in 3 dimensions, as is my wont. Before I was married, the numerology of my name branded me a spiritual person. I have to wonder if the numbers aren't right. Am I losing that power within myself now that I have become a wife, a mother? Can I take the feminine power inherent in those roles, and learn from it? Maybe.

30 Minutes, and The Good News

Is 30 minutes to myself too much to ask? My DH takes care of the kids, and yet I still don't get 30 minutes uninterrupted to dance, work out some tension, get my heart rate up. I'm lucky if I get 20. If the kids get any hint that I'm leaving, or that they are (but without me), my little one has a break down. The few times the Grandparents have stayed with them so DH and I could have a couple hours as adults, the little one spends the next couple weeks as my shadow, panicking if even her father tries to hold her. This strikes me as beyond separation anxiety. I know they love me, but seriously. They are 5 and 2, could I really still be the absolute centre of their universe?

On the up side of life, we bought a used truck. 2006 F-150. Not that I like trucks, but it will pull our trailer, and that means I get a nice summer vacation. I finally got my nose pierced. And yes, it does really bloody hurt. My navel piercing might have actually hurt less. Giving birth to my daughter on the bathroom floor in the middle of a blizzard wasn't as shocking as the stab of pain when she forced the needle in!! I know, what did I expect, I'm an idiot. Also, there are some new books out on corset making I think I'll have to get, and I must make an order at Farthingales, as well.

I did get to spend time with another stay at home mom, shopping in the city. Just us and our 4 kids! For some reason, it didn't seem nearly as bad dealing with the kids. Maybe having someone to talk to while we shopped made a big difference. Also, we went to stores I don't go to on my own. The hat store, the metaphysical shop down the street from the hat store. The piercing place!! It inspired me, got me out of my living-in-the-middle-of-nowhere-doing-nothing-exciting funk. Now I feel energized, and ready to create. Plus, the nose ring makes me feel more like I'm 30, less like I'm 60.

And last, but never least, hail spring!! After picking up DD from school, I just left the kids outside. YAY!!