It has been 5 years since my baby was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. 2 years of 5+ needles a day. Almost 3 years on a pump. More blood glucose toe and finger pricks than I could ever count.
I've been thinking about it for days. Very, very calmly. The first DX-iversary was almost crippling. The second was depressing. Third and fourth were sad. This one barely upsets me. I did have a mild freak out last night while watching
Faith. The show was sad, and I got overly upset. Sad scenes with
Lee Min Ho get to me every time, but this was excessive.
But it was okay. And I know why. Last night, just as I was soon to lose it, the candoc tweet chat started. So, instead of being in the kitchen alone, baking fish and mashing cauliflower, I was in the kitchen with other people who were dealing with diabetes. Chatting about travelling and flying with diabetes. Instead of thinking about how long and lonely the last 5 years have been as my angel's primary caregiver, about how my husband went to Regina and left me in the hospital for a week with E alone after her DX, about how I am the only one who actually does all her care 90% of the time, I was planning how to fly to Barbados. What to take on the plane, how to go through security with all those needles, and what to watch for from the excitement (read stress).
And so, I made it through with the help of the Canadian diabetes online community (candoc). As I sit here in the park, waiting for some strangers to be done wandering around my house, I realize I have accepted her diabetes. I don't yearn for a cure. I am no longer angry, or bargaining. I am at the acceptance stage. I know my baby won't live as long as the rest of us. I know one wrong insulin dosage could put her in a coma, or kill her. I know she will never feel completely normal, that almost every second of her life she will have to be aware of the big D, lurking inside her. But it is what it is. It doesn't mean she can't be happy, be as healthy as possible. As normal as possible. That's better than a lot of people. So I guess I'm happy. There is no chronic pain. No extended hospital stays, not yet. So we're okay. For now.
