The post I did yesterday was about venting. About getting my childish frustrations on paper, so they wouldn't be in my head anymore. I was a little overwhelmed by the response, though.
All these people messaged me. The outpouring of love was, well, almost embarrassing. Really great, but shocking. And suddenly, missing out on the actual get together is okay. I'm still envious, sad that I won't get to join the fun, but I'm suddenly not feeling left out anymore. Like it's okay, and I'll get to the next one.
Being a caregiver, regardless of what the issues are, takes away from YOU. The online girl time, talking about clothes, and politics, and life philosophies, about guys (husbands) and kids and friends and co-workers, that's all just for me. That IS me. Not me the Mom. Not me the caregiver, or me the wife, just me. The person. And missing out on one get together doesn't mean that has to stop. It did, for a while. Like missing this was just another example of me wanting to have a life of my own, and not getting it.
I don't have any friends here. I had one, several years ago, but her husband got moved to the city. I open my mouth, and people tend to look at me weird. I know that the things I say and do are not like those around me. I have never fit in. I don't like the music on the radio, the clothes in the store, the shows on TV. I don't take my kids to sports games, I don't have neighbourhood barbecues. My husband adores me, but often doesn't understand me.
The problem, in this town where fitting in is so very important, is that I am ahead of my time. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but guaranteed, if I like something, it will become huge in 2 to 3 years. Every time. With everything I become really interested in. And so, in a backwards town that thinks it's all that, I am the weirdo. And "I told you so" is really a hollow phrase.
My girls are in school. Finally. after 9+ years, it's time for me. And with the help of the few people who don't avoid me because I'm strange, I'm going to find MYSELF again.
PS To all the Noonas. LOVE YOU!!
Friday, September 21, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Noonas just wanna have fun (with BigBang)
So I've been thinking about sacrifices we make as parents. I still go to school to do my daughter's insulin at lunch, and sometimes at snack if there's a new person who wants to learn about it. I'm on call all day for questions from the teacher or the aids. And something came up recently that hasn't come up since I was a teenager.
A concert.
That's right, there's a boy band I like. They aren't like the boy bands from when I was a kid. They aren't from Canada or the States. They don't sing in English. With all the hype over Psy these days, I don't think me liking them is weird. What is strange is that the fact that I am not able to go to their concert is making me feel like a teenager with a strict father.
My family started planning our first ever big trip last spring. Before the tour was announced. In February we'll be flying to Barbados. I am really excited, and I know we'll have a lot of fun. However, my pocketbook does not have room for me to fly to New York- by myself- in November, and then have the whole family go to Barbados. I was okay with that at first. Then I started to meet a bunch of other women online, women who I could talk to like I haven't since high school. We talk about husbands, TV, our kids, and yes, that boy band.
And so, as I watch them all getting excited for the tickets to go on sale this Saturday, planning all of the things they are going to do when they meet up before and after the concert, I am feeling a level of envy that astonishes me. I had to stop going online. I had to stop following them. I actually cried.
The real question is, why am I so upset? And then I realized. I have been so isolated for so long, stuck up here where no one is interested in the same things as me, with no one I can really talk to, finding these ladies was like a rainbow after a hurricane. Missing out on the gathering, maybe the only one where everyone is going to get together, is like the hurricane suddenly swept down on me again. I'm feeling all the loneliness, the isolation, all over again. I hadn't realized how sad I really was until it all came back.
Today is my daughter's 9th birthday. I know I need to look happy. On the day of her birthday party, with all the family that's coming out, I will need to look chipper. Knowing that the Noonas (as we call ourselves) will be buying their tickets, planning their trips, and talking about how wonderful it's going to be. Without me. Sometimes I just wish it could be about me.
A concert.
That's right, there's a boy band I like. They aren't like the boy bands from when I was a kid. They aren't from Canada or the States. They don't sing in English. With all the hype over Psy these days, I don't think me liking them is weird. What is strange is that the fact that I am not able to go to their concert is making me feel like a teenager with a strict father.
My family started planning our first ever big trip last spring. Before the tour was announced. In February we'll be flying to Barbados. I am really excited, and I know we'll have a lot of fun. However, my pocketbook does not have room for me to fly to New York- by myself- in November, and then have the whole family go to Barbados. I was okay with that at first. Then I started to meet a bunch of other women online, women who I could talk to like I haven't since high school. We talk about husbands, TV, our kids, and yes, that boy band.
And so, as I watch them all getting excited for the tickets to go on sale this Saturday, planning all of the things they are going to do when they meet up before and after the concert, I am feeling a level of envy that astonishes me. I had to stop going online. I had to stop following them. I actually cried.
The real question is, why am I so upset? And then I realized. I have been so isolated for so long, stuck up here where no one is interested in the same things as me, with no one I can really talk to, finding these ladies was like a rainbow after a hurricane. Missing out on the gathering, maybe the only one where everyone is going to get together, is like the hurricane suddenly swept down on me again. I'm feeling all the loneliness, the isolation, all over again. I hadn't realized how sad I really was until it all came back.
Today is my daughter's 9th birthday. I know I need to look happy. On the day of her birthday party, with all the family that's coming out, I will need to look chipper. Knowing that the Noonas (as we call ourselves) will be buying their tickets, planning their trips, and talking about how wonderful it's going to be. Without me. Sometimes I just wish it could be about me.
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